At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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