Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
