Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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