Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
