my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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