So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
no, he came in my armpit
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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