did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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