Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize