So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
