My liver just broke up with me...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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