Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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