I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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