I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
