I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize