Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
