Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
