Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
