Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
