I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize