I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
