youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
foreskin is a definite game changer
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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