I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
