Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize