this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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