if you like me you must not know who I am
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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