just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
