Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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