i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
