So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
