Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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