I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
