mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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