I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
