I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
