My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
