im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
