we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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