your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
