The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize