The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
