he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
