Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
