yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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