He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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