Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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