I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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