Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
