I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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