dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
