ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
