worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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