so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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