I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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