How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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