Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
