I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
