he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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