I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
