peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
