Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
