When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
